Learn. Something I have been doing for years, but more specific, learning how to be a great step mom and wife.
The second my step kids walked into my life, everything changed. I was now apart of a team to help raise a 18 month old and a 2 year old. I had to learn to change diapers. I had to learn to put my foot down and say no to the kids. I had to learn that I had to EARN respect from the kids and Matt’s ex wife, it wasn’t just going to happen over night. I had to learn how to take care of spiral curly hair, because Jordan has A LOT of it. I had to learn how to fix imaginary boo-boo’s with a glitter pink wand. I had to learn how to play little kid games and use my imagination. I had to learn how to teach a kid how to blow their nose and tie their shoes. I had to learn how to co-parent with a woman I knew hated my guts. I had to learn to take the high road, and that really killed my pride at first. I learned that taking the high road didn’t make me weak, it made me stronger. I was able to learn how to co-parent without lashing out.
I had to re-learn how to basically live my life. I had to learn how to be a parent in a short amount of time and play catch up on the things I missed along the way. Learning all of these things all at once was very overwhelming. I had ONE shot to get this right. I couldn’t let my future husband down and I couldn’t let James and Jordan down. I spent months reading book after book about co-parenting, blended families and step parenting. I wanted to have all the tools at my finger tips because my family deserved the best. Just because I didn’t KNOW how to do all of these things didn’t mean I couldn’t LEARN them. I’m a very smart woman and I knew if I wanted to learn this, I would.
I know I’m not perfect and I make mistakes, but I learn from them. I knew I was going to step on toes, not on purpose, but I was learning. I was going to cry a lot of nights, but I was learning on how to handle this new lifestyle. The step mom lifestyle of all the work and no reward. I learned that the reward is in the love I receive, in the smiles on the kid’s faces when I pick them up from school and in the way Matt looks at me every morning when we wake up. Out of everything I have learned, I learned that THIS is exactly where I want to be in my life. Happy and in love with my amazing little family, taking everything one day at a time and realizing that we are ALL still learning, and that’s okay.
I stumbled across a link-up called Tuesday at Ten on Finding the Grace Within. This week the prompt word is “healing” and right away a flood of emotions came over me.
For the past three years I have been trying to heal myself. Trying to heal the wounds and pains that have happened in my life. I have lost friendships that I never in a million years would of thought I would lose. That was a huge hit to my heart. It was like a death, a death I have been mourning for the past three years. I have written about it before, and to this day it still pains me to talk about what happened. The true colors of people I trusted in my life. I don’t trust a lot of people and I don’t let a lot of people into my life. I have a wall up to keep the hurt out and after being dragged through the mud with ex friends, the wall just got higher.
I began to question myself a lot. Questioning where I went wrong and how I never saw it coming. I was depressed. I was hurt. I was angry. I needed time. I needed time to heal the pain and move on when I was ready. Matt never pushed me. He never told me to get over it, he never told me to stop crying, he just held me. He held me so many nights as I cried myself to sleep. He held my hand and picked me up when I couldn’t pick myself up off of the ground. Matt was exactly what I needed him to be, which was him to just BE there.
I started my journey of healing myself. Healing myself from the pain I endured and getting back to becoming the woman that I know I am. While in the process of healing I realized I wasn’t being honest with myself with ALL of the reasons I was depressed. It wasn’t just losing my friends, but I still haven’t healed the wounds between Stephanie (my step kids mom) and myself. There was A LOT of pain there, a LOT of anger, and clearly a lot of healing that needed to take place. I caused pain in her life and she has caused pain in mine, but deep down I didn’t want to hate her. I WANTED us to be on good terms, I WANTED us to move forward and for her to look me in the eyes and instead of seeing all the pain that has been caused, see all the love that is right in front of us.
So I began blogging. I began my healing process with getting all of my feelings and emotions off of my chest. I just let the words flow from my finger tips onto the screen. I released all of the pain, anger and frustrations. I wrote with the intent of being real. This is who I am and this is my story, take it or leave it, I blog for me. I had immediate support from fellow step moms. The love and community here on WordPress is beyond amazing and I will forever be grateful for all of you who have followed my journey and showed me support since the beginning.
It has almost been five months since I started my healing process through blogging and it has changed my life completely. I found my voice. I am healing my wounds and building a life changing relationship with Stephanie. I never thought I would ever be able to say that. If you have been following my blog for awhile, then you know I truly never believed this would ever happen. But it did and I instantly felt my heart begin to heal. My heart is full of love and admiration to a woman who called me every name in the book just six short years ago. I am proud to call her my friend. I am proud to say I am a better woman because of it. I am still healing but brick by brick I am lowering my wall and letting the sunshine in.