Zero.

Zero..jpg

I’m sitting here struggling with what I want to say. I am still trying to process all of the information that has been dumped on me in the past few days. I feel like I’m still sitting in the infertility office hearing my mom tell us (she’s a medical technologist and works with IVF patients, reversal sperm count patients, etc.), “This doesn’t look good, I don’t see anything at all.”

My heart sank right into my stomach and the tears began to fall down my cheeks. This terrible gut wrenching feeling was starting to take over my entire body.

Not one sperm was found. Not one. Nothing. Zero. Zilch.

How I pictured this year to go was just crumbled up like a piece of paper and tossed in the trash. All of my hopes and dreams were crushed in just ten words. Everything my mom and Matt were saying to me was going in one ear and out the other. My body felt like it was shutting down and all I could do was cry.

My life is not over, my family is healthy, and way worse things could be happening. I understand that, prepared myself for this, but still didn’t know I wasn’t going to have any control over how my body responded to this news. My emotions and feelings took over my entire body and I cried harder than I have in years.

Life isn’t fair. THIS isn’t fair. I have raised two kids as my own for the past seven years and put everyone else’s life before my own. Why is this happening to me? It’s not fair. I’ve done everything I’m suppose to do. I jumped hurdles that I never thought I would ever be able to as a step parent and a second wife. I overcame jealousy and resentment issues with my head held high, not letting it control me anymore. So why can’t I have the one thing I have ever wanted, a baby.

“It doesn’t mean they can’t figure it out and fix it.” I could hear my mom say to me, “I believe there is a blockage that they can find with an ultrasound and go back in and fix. There are so many more ways they can figure this out. We know his body can produce sperm, he has two kids already. It’s just finding out where the problem is.”

Yes, he does have two kids already. Every one of James and Jordan’s parents have kids already, except me. I’m the only one with no kids of my own. No one understands how this is making me feel right now, but me, because I am the only one that knows this feeling. I now again feel like I’m on a deserted island, alone.

Matt held my face, looked at me and said, “We are going to figure this out. You know that, right?” I nodded my head yes but to be honest, right now, I’m feeling extremely skeptical.

It didn’t help that every single person on my social media news feeds is pregnant or just had a baby. I swear every commercial, movie, and television show I turned on had a story line of a woman pregnant, struggling to get pregnant, or giving birth. It’s like the universe is laughing at me.

So here I sit wondering what this year will have in store for me, because as of right now it looks like I’m starting from scratch.

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11 thoughts on “Zero.

  1. Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. It isn’t fair, and I hate that you have to go through this. I will be praying for you, that you will be surrounded by people who do understand and can come alongside you in this journey. Sending hugs your way.

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  2. Aww, Jess. Please hold your head up high and know that you are not alone. I did two rounds of IVF before I got Munch and I know the stress it can cause your body. I know it is hard right now, but you need to focus on you and Matt and not stress about the process. It will happen. There are other options and if you need to take a break away from Facebook so it doesn’t stress you out, do it. Remember God’s time is not our time.

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  3. I know this struggle all too well! My husband had a vasectomy before we met/when he was still with his ex-wife. I have 2 beautiful stepdaughters who I love, but I completely connect with what you’re saying and feel your pain. Thank you for this beautiful post!

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  4. Though I’ve been MIA on blogging I read this post earlier this morning and had to reach out. We are in a very similar boat as you and Matt. Kids from a previous marriage, vasectomy reversal, and as you may remember we did An IVF freeze cycle with limited success. This was my 2016, ending on a positive note from our doctor that my husband has one of the quickest recovery rates he’s seen in a vas reversal with plenty of sperm to try naturally.
    One of the most difficult things determined people are faced with are obstacles they didn’t or could not prepare for. I was told my fibroid would be a non issue and I should get pregnant anyway; I am now scheduling a myectomy and an MRI for possible adenomyosis. I may never be able to sustain a pregnancy, or I may have one with many complications. There are just too many variables for me to select from and hang my fate on.
    We can guess where we think our point of failures may be or we can put our faith in the plan that God has for us. One of my best friends that is an RN called me yesterday to remind me that Gods timeline is not our timeline, a comment that was made earlier by another user.
    I believe there is a silver lining and it’s recognizing when Gods plan is already at work. The community of women you have created through your blog and the compassion generated through it is proof 🙂 . Be strong! I will keep you and Matt in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

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