The Other Woman

THEotherwoman

This is a topic I have been waiting for the right time to discuss. This is as raw as I will probably get on my blog, but this is MY story. 

The other woman, the mistress, the homewrecker, a whore, slut, bitch, liar, piece of ass, skank and adultress. I think I about covered it. Those are all names for women who sleep with married men — and those are all names I have been called once before 6 years ago.

I’ve never gone into detail of how my husband and I met and one reason being, it’s not a fairy tale love story. It’s a story of pain, hurt, heartache and infidelity. My husband was married to Stephanie when I met him. We worked together and spent a lot of time talking when we weren’t really busy. We were usually the last two leaving every night, and sometimes we would just sit there and talk for hours. Sometimes he would just talk, he would talk and vent about things that were upsetting him at home. It wasn’t flirting at first, it wasn’t trying to get in each other’s pants, it was just talking, and the talking formed this emotional bond between us that ran deep but how we went about it all was wrong.

I don’t know why I made the choice I made to break that sacred bond of sisterhood. I honestly cannot remember what made me disregard everything I was taught growing up – morals, vows, sacred promises – for God sake common fucking sense. But once we both crossed that line — emotionally there was no going back and neither one of us wanted too. Matt and I lied to a lot of people to protect ourselves. We made selfish choices that hurt friends and family. That is something we cannot go back and change, that is something we live with every day and accept it. We own what we did. I have been asked numerous times about it from people who know Stephanie, Matt or knew both of them. I have owned up to what went on and gave them the honest truth.

I was living a lie for what felt like decades – the weight of our affair was getting heavier by the day. Then Stephanie found everything out and now it was all out in the open. I had complete tunnel vision and I don’t think in those moments I fully understood the pain I was putting Stephanie through. The hurt and heartache I have caused someone who did nothing to me. Nothing. She never said anything mean to me, hurt me, yelled at me, nothing, and here I am ripping her fucking world apart and nothing was signaling my brain to show any remorse besides saying, “I’m sorry”. Which I’m sure now looking back at it, it was probably for the best I didn’t try to say anything more because it might of made the whole thing worse.

The idea Hollywood puts in our head about “the other woman” is far from the truth. It can truly be ANY type of woman, not just the sexy receptionist. There is no specific qualifications or indicators to look out for. People who knew me before the affair couldn’t believe that I was actually capable of doing something so – malicious. It isn’t who I am and it’s something I won’t let define me. I’m not an evil human being and for the past 6 years I’ve done my best to prove that to everyone who thought otherwise.

After everything, Matt and I still stayed together, and we started completely over. I will never forget the time I met with Stephanie after everything was out in the open. We met at a local Starbucks and I was prepared to let her ask me any questions she wanted. At the end she told me, “I hope you guys get married and stay together forever, then at least this wouldn’t of been for nothing.” I made a promise to myself right then and there that I would do everything in my power to do just that. I could at least do this one thing for her and show her that this relationship between Matt and I is much more then she might think. This wasn’t lust, this wasn’t just a “I’m bored” thing, this was something real. I know the saying, “once a cheater, always a cheater.”, but I don’t believe that to be true. There are some stories out there that might fit into that saying, but not ours. Ours is different.

I’ve grown up in the past 6 years. I’m wiser and have dealt with my demons that have haunted me over the years. Stephanie and I didn’t always get along and I let her walk all over me years ago because, well, I deserved it. So I just took it. We’ve moved mountains since then and for that I will always be grateful to her. I’m not gonna lie, she was very good at making our life hell, but she could of been so much worse. She could of made me or Matt out to be villains to the kids, but has never done it, not even once. She has never tainted the image the kids have of either one of us.

OW1

Our story wasn’t your average fairy tale, but after a few chapters (or 10)  you will see how each one of us benefited from this awful nightmare and how we each grew as individuals. And we did it all for the kids. We love those two munchkins and because of them we have worked through our pain and issues. We have asked for forgiveness and began our process of moving on. I will never try to justify, belittle, or ignore the decisions I made in my past, but I will not let it define who I am today, 6 years later. I’m a proud wife, step mom, and friend and I make mistakes and bad choices just like everyone else in the world, but I won’t let it define who I am. This is my story, and it isn’t the prettiest of stories, but it’s real, raw, and mine.

Advertisements

45 thoughts on “The Other Woman

  1. That took some serious balls, to put yourself out there like this, in the land of anonymous hate. I’m glad y’all worked this out and can now move forward without making the kids into pawns in a twisted game. I experienced that firsthand.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. That is very brave of you to put this out in public like this. I can only imagine how painful it was for all involved. Being accountable for your actions is tough sometimes. It sounds like everyone has been forgiven and moved past it, probably because of owning it instead of placing blame or making excuses. You are all very inspirational and I hope that the years bring all of you even closer together as a family.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Jess this is great! My husband and I were both in other relationships when we met, and it was under similar circumstances. We were both unhappy, and in very bad places. We feel bad for those we hurt, but in the end we found true love. I feel bad for our exes but at the same time, a happy person doesn’t cheat. If it wasn’t him, or me, we would have left for other reasons. We just fell in love at the wrong time, but in the midst of it all we have a love that most fairy tales would be jealous of. We fight for that and work hard to keep that every day. I never thought I would be the “other woman”. Especially because I hated her so, my dad cheated on my mom for 15 years and the hurt that caused my mom and family was indescribable. However, this wasn’t just “cheating” and I wouldn’t categorize our falling in love that way. I would not taint our falling in love with such an awful word. It is unfortunate we were in other relationships, but I do believe it is because of those relationships that we were able to find each other. I commend you on writing this, and maybe someday I will be more candid about mine. I really admire your blog!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. What an amazing post! So honest, raw, and straight forward. As someone who knows Stephanie in the real world, this is a beautiful testament to your relationship and was awesome to read. 💛

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Honest, raw and so brave. That’s how I see you Jess. And I love the fact that you’ve moved on and embraced a new stage in your life and your relationships are all in tact. Good on you and I wish you nothing but happiness and the very best.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hey, so I shared this with my letter this morning. Since you wrote a post, it made more sense to share yours with mine and maybe people would gain a better understanding. I hope that is OK. I also almost shared your post on a link chain this morning, but didn’t want to throw you all the way out there unless you were good with it 😉 Also, I am so happy to see all of the positive comments on here.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. You are a wise–and brave–woman. And again, your hubby and kids (and their mom) are lucky to have you in their lives! My story is similar, although I am ages older 🙂 God has allowed me, as well, to make my uglies into something beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Lovely to meet you! I come by way of Cyranny’s meet and greet. I am so happy that I did. Yours and Stephanie’s story is just like mine was with my sons’ stepmom. (My son’s are all gown now so our contact has lessened.)

    Things happen in life that don’t always fit into nice neat boxes but, no matter what, it is never ever the kids’ fault. I put all my feelings aside for what I was experiencing over the break up of my marriage because of this ‘other woman’. I did this because I truly believed that children should never be used as pawns (I know all too well what that is like because I was a pawn myself between my mom and dad and I never got over it).

    Both you and Stephanie are remarkable, inspirational women. The world would be such a better place if they could just take a page from yours and my story. I became good friends with this other woman and she supported every decision I made when it came to my sons. She also helped their dad deal with the anger issues he had while we were married. On one occasion, she and I took a road trip together which I christened “Reba and Barbara Jean’s Road Trip”. I was Reba, of course ;). The scorned woman ALWAYS gets to be Reba hahahaha.

    I am looking forward to following your blog (I also follow Stephanie’s) and getting to know you both.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh my goodness. Let me begin by saying I love watching Reba and I haven’t watched it in awhile until today for a few episodes and I had this epiphany about Reba and Barbara Jean and thought this would totally be Steph and I but I’m honestly not that stupid and neither is she LOL. Thank you for sharing your story, I’m beyond thrilled when I stumble across bloggers who are or have been in the same boat as Stephanie and I. It’s a unique and rare friendship, but honestly, with her, I wouldn’t have it any other way. The kids have always been the center of all of our worlds, and using them as a pawn has NEVER been an option. I remember telling Stephanie that in the beginning, that using the kids will in the end only hurt THEM, not just her ex husband or her or me for that matter. I feel we’ve always been on the same page about that, and that’s truly the most important thing to be in sync about in co-parenting. 🙂 thank you again for stopping by, your comment is exactly what I needed tonight!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Jess, this was a beautiful piece and I also think you should submit this to the Huffington Post as well. Wow! I love your honesty and I’m so happy that you and Stephanie are in a much better place.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, Tikeetha. This was a very difficult piece to write, but after talking to Stephanie about it she had my back 100%, she gave me the courage to share my side of our story. I will look into submitting this to the Huffington Post – they did ask if I wanted to blog for them. This might be a great blog topic for that!

      Like

      • Absolutely! I LOVE your raw honesty in your piece. We all make mistakes. I’m so thankful that God brought you and Stephanie together to co-parent for all those beautiful babies and show people that we can get it right. It takes time, no one is perfect and if we focus on the children we will be able to get out of our own way. You should definitely submit this too and blog for them!

        Liked by 1 person

  10. My own story is not a fairtale, and often times I regret the way we came into each other’s lives. While not the same, our stories have similar pieces. I hope that one day I’ll feel brave enough to share our story so publically. While many in our lives know how we met, I’m not ready to put it on balst. Granted, it’s only been about a year and a half since we met and one year of dating.

    I also hope that one day my partner’s ex and I can have a relationship like you do with your husband’s ex. I can tell that it took years to get to that point, but it seems like you two have worked hard to get to a point of mutual respect.

    I’m glad you found my blog post which led me to yours. This post was truly inspiring.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh I don’t think I could of done this a year and a half after everything happened either. This was an extremely hard post to write, but after talking with my husband’s ex, she told me this was my story to tell and she had my back. We have had our ups and down….probably more downs than ups, but we do it for the kids. I’m glad we found each other, having a support system helps immensely. Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot to me.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s