I stumbled across a link-up called Tuesday at Ten on Finding the Grace Within. This week the prompt word is “healing” and right away a flood of emotions came over me.
For the past three years I have been trying to heal myself. Trying to heal the wounds and pains that have happened in my life. I have lost friendships that I never in a million years would of thought I would lose. That was a huge hit to my heart. It was like a death, a death I have been mourning for the past three years. I have written about it before, and to this day it still pains me to talk about what happened. The true colors of people I trusted in my life. I don’t trust a lot of people and I don’t let a lot of people into my life. I have a wall up to keep the hurt out and after being dragged through the mud with ex friends, the wall just got higher.
I began to question myself a lot. Questioning where I went wrong and how I never saw it coming. I was depressed. I was hurt. I was angry. I needed time. I needed time to heal the pain and move on when I was ready. Matt never pushed me. He never told me to get over it, he never told me to stop crying, he just held me. He held me so many nights as I cried myself to sleep. He held my hand and picked me up when I couldn’t pick myself up off of the ground. Matt was exactly what I needed him to be, which was him to just BE there.
I started my journey of healing myself. Healing myself from the pain I endured and getting back to becoming the woman that I know I am. While in the process of healing I realized I wasn’t being honest with myself with ALL of the reasons I was depressed. It wasn’t just losing my friends, but I still haven’t healed the wounds between Stephanie (my step kids mom) and myself. There was A LOT of pain there, a LOT of anger, and clearly a lot of healing that needed to take place. I caused pain in her life and she has caused pain in mine, but deep down I didn’t want to hate her. I WANTED us to be on good terms, I WANTED us to move forward and for her to look me in the eyes and instead of seeing all the pain that has been caused, see all the love that is right in front of us.
So I began blogging. I began my healing process with getting all of my feelings and emotions off of my chest. I just let the words flow from my finger tips onto the screen. I released all of the pain, anger and frustrations. I wrote with the intent of being real. This is who I am and this is my story, take it or leave it, I blog for me. I had immediate support from fellow step moms. The love and community here on WordPress is beyond amazing and I will forever be grateful for all of you who have followed my journey and showed me support since the beginning.
It has almost been five months since I started my healing process through blogging and it has changed my life completely. I found my voice. I am healing my wounds and building a life changing relationship with Stephanie. I never thought I would ever be able to say that. If you have been following my blog for awhile, then you know I truly never believed this would ever happen. But it did and I instantly felt my heart begin to heal. My heart is full of love and admiration to a woman who called me every name in the book just six short years ago. I am proud to call her my friend. I am proud to say I am a better woman because of it. I am still healing but brick by brick I am lowering my wall and letting the sunshine in.