I’m about to get real here. I’m not going to sugar coat my feelings on this post. Be prepared.
Killing with kindness. Something I was not very good at 5-6 years ago. It doesn’t help that I have RBF (Resting Bitch Face) either. I never use to understand killing people with kindness. Isn’t that being fake towards them? I’m not being honest with MY feelings. I finally came to the conclusion, killing someone with kindness can be interchangeable with taking the high road. Who do I kill with kindness you ask? Well let me tell you.
The kid’s mother is someone I have perfected killing with kindness. She will dish out jabs every now and then to either me or my hubby. She will either say it with a loud obnoxious laugh or with a tiny smirk on her face. I bet she thinks I didn’t pick up on the insults. Oh honey, I got it. So here I am, smiling in your face, using my favorite southern line. “Bless your heart.” Which also can be taken as, “Go fuck yourself.”
I am not an angel by any means. I am very sarcastic at times. I understand how to take certain things with a grain of salt and I know when to not dish it back. It’s called being a lady. My parents raised me to have respect for people, regardless if they are assholes are not. Just because they don’t know how to act in public, doesn’t mean I need to stoop down to their level. Instead, I will just put a big ‘ole smile on my face and answer with a high pitched voice that will most likely make you want to claw your eyes out.
How about that time the ex chewed my hubby out for smoking. She ripped him and me a new one. “What are you thinking?! How can you smoke when you have children who NEED YOU? What kind of father are you? Do you want to die young and not see the kids grow up!?” Granted, I see her intentions must be pure. This has NOTHING to do with controlling someone right? She just wants my hubby and I to live a long life for the kids. Jump 6 years later, her and her husband are huge smokers. My hubby and I quit 3.5 years ago. Imagine the anger that filled me when the munchkins told us about their mother and step dad smoking, AND that they know about it. This isn’t a we smoke while the kids nap and after they go to bed, which was the kind of smoker my hubby was. This is like, they smoke all the time, put their coats with the munchkins coats, which in return reek of smoke when they come back to our house. On top of their clothes smell like ashtrays. I open their backpacks and stale smoke comes bellowing out. I’m clearly very upset about this topic because I killed her with kindness about smoking. I smiled and explained I totally get where she is coming from and we will quit, FOR THE KIDS.
There have been times when the hubby’s ex has texted me and said she needed to talk. Not only does hearing that phrase give me anxiety, but knowing what is about to come is even worse. I ALWAYS will say yes to phone conversations whenever she needs to talk, no matter what I’m in the middle of doing and I will always be chipper on the phone. When she says she wants to TALK, she’s not kidding. She will talk AT me for 15 minutes straight. Not taking a breath, not giving me chance to respond, nothing. She goes from happy, to angry, to crying and I can barely understand what she is saying. She is usually going off about something my husband has subconsciously done to her, in her eyes. I am never a loud to get a damn word in, EVER. She controls the entire conversation. At the time that it is happening, I am usually calm and collective. No matter how much she is bashing my husband. I know the truth, he knows the truth, and she knows HER truth. Sometimes I think “I can’t, I just can’t right now.” But I put on my killing her with kindness voice and listen away.
My dad was around me once during one of these conversations. After she talked for 20 minutes straight and I apologized for my husbands non-existent actions (whatever helps the situation, right?), my dad looked over at me and said “I’m sorry I never really thought you were THAT serious about how she talks to you. I didn’t realize you weren’t exaggerating at all. She is just plain AWFUL. She really doesn’t let you get a word in, EVER. Why are you so nice to her when she treats you like that? I’ve never seen you let someone talk to you like that in your life!” I smiled at him and told him “I kill her with kindness. There is nothing I can do. I cannot change her. She is who she is. This is her communication style. I know who I am. How she treats me won’t change that.” He was blown away by my response. Tears filled his eyes and he told me how proud he was of me. How I am much younger then her, but I am the adult in these kind of situations. I don’t lose my cool and I most definitely won’t speak to her the way she speaks to me. Again, it’s not how my parents raised me.
There’s a difference in standing up for yourself and killing someone with kindness. Trust me, I know all about having to restrain myself from punching certain people in the face. I wasn’t raised that way though. Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t. But when you smile in their face, when they want to see the reactions out of you, that will just piss them off more. I won’t give my husband’s ex the satisfaction of knowing she got under my skin. It’s what she wants and she can’t have it. Not from me.
So I will kill her with kindness with a smile from ear to ear every week I have to see her. I will kill her with kindness when she loses her shit over something she can’t control. I will kill her with kindness in front of the munchkins, because well, that’s called being an adult. And someone should teach them how to act properly when communicating with people. The kids are always watching us. We might not think they are, but they are. They watch our interactions. They pay attention to how we treat each other. If killing her with kindness will show them how to handle similar situations, then I am all for it. It’s better then the alternative, right?